Tour de Nulle Part
Vuelta en Ninguna Parte
Giro da Nessuna Parte
This Friday, the 31st of May, I’m going to ride in a stage race. I’ll compete in a prologue, a mountain stage, a time trial, several rolling stages, and even a short crit.
I don’t think it to bold to declare here that I expect to win.
A couple key nuances to keep in mind are as follows:
- I’ll be riding mini-miles, but reporting them as “miles.” This is for my amusement and your confusion.
- Climbs will be ridden in decifeet, but reported as “feet.” Again, for my amusement and your confusion.
These will also have the effect of making this race 1000 “miles” long, which is impressive to even type, much less ride in a single day.
The race course, details, and timing are subject to change based upon weather and consumption of nutritive barley based beverages after stages.
There will be night stages.
Preliminary plans are as follows (you are welcome to join any or all, times approximate and expected to move slightly):
Stage 1: Prologue 2pm Start from TP Hill
Stage 2: Alps (as a real Clydesdale, I expect this to be a slow stage) Depart from DBW at 2:45pm
Stage 3: Plains Departs DBW at 4pm
Stage 4: Plains + 3 Amigo Prynees Departs DBW at 5pm – refuel after at Lake House
Stage 5: Time Trial Departs Lake House (Next to DBW) at 6:30pm
Stage 6: Soft Pedal – Neutral Parade Stage Departs DBW at 8pm
Stage 7: Crit and Victory Celebration. Commences immediately after parade stage, passing home multiple times until 1000 “miles” reached.
My entry to this Race raises money and awareness for Camp Kesem, sending children of cancer fighters to camp. This is a Great Cause! It also appeals to my appreciation for the absurd. In keeping with the absurdity, I will never be further than 5 miles from home, and entire stages will be completed within actual shouting distance from my house.
The Fat Cyclist (aka Fatty, aka Eldon) is a cancer fighter with a sense of humor. As one who has fought through some difficult things I appreciate those who meet challenges with humor, because the alternative to laughing is crying – and you can only do so much of that.
Come out and have some fun with me (or us, if anybody else joins the foolishness)**. It’s probably more fun if you only do part of it – remember, I am the only one who paid for the privilege of this suffering. I am planning on post stage “interviews,” Podium moments, and any other foolish thing that comes to mind. Stops will be at the discretion of the peloton: majority rules, extra weight given to establishments with locally crafted beverages, times shifted accordingly.
**Actual racers must do their sprints in 39/23 to participate**
Full race report will be added here after complete.